Is Facebook Making You Depressed?

Some are saying yes. Facebook photos and posts generally portray others as happy, smiling, and having a good time. When we’re looking through other’s Facebook pages, it's hard not to wonder: "Why are all these people so much more happy and well off than me?"  So, what can we do to avoid this from happening? I asked Jessica VerBout, MA, LMFT at Solutions Counseling in St. Michael & St. Louis Park to give us some expert solutions to common questions about "Facebook Depression":

Every time I go on Facebook it seems as though everyone else’s lives are so glamorous and fantastic, and it makes me sad. Should I quit going on Facebook?

If going onto Facebook is causing you to feel depressed and overall uncomfortable, why continue to subject yourself to that? Facebook, at least in my understanding, was never intended to do anything but connect people and help you stay social and connected; If you’re feeling depressed when going on it that defeats the purpose. But before completely jumping ship, maybe try and examine why you’re feeling that way when you see the various things on Facebook and how can you incorporate some of that in your own life? If you see vacation pictures and feel jealous, how can you plan your own mini-vacation or where can you explore that you’ve never been before? Maybe find a new hobby you can show others you actually have a talent for? (Or really challenge yourself and show off the failure, but highlight the attempt!) But if even this is hard to do and you don’t want to erase your account, taking a break could help you regroup.

I seem to have become so dependent on Facebook, I’m logging on multiple times a day. I feel sad when nobody comments on my pictures or posts, but yet I can’t seem to stop checking for comments. How do I avoid this?

I think this would be a great time to take a break from Facebook (or any of the social media sites out there) and really begin to examine where your priorities are. How many “likes” a person gets on their picture, post, etc. does not necessarily mean they are more popular, have more friends or those others even care about their posts! I think nowadays people are too “trained” to “like” something if they even remotely relate to it. Plus, if you are putting all of your self-worth in the hands of others’, you’re going to be more depressed overall as you’re waiting for everyone else to tell you you’re a good/likeable/loving/etc. person. Leaving your self-worth in the hands of others is just risky – and that’s not how it should be! The saying, “you need to truly love yourself before you can love someone else” can attest to this, as you can’t really love someone unless you are secure within your own self. Seeing someone for self-esteem issues could be beneficial for you, if this is your concern.

I feel as though I am constantly comparing the number of friends I have on Facebook to the number of “friends” others have, they always seem to have more. Do others really have that many more friends than I do, or is it an illusion?

Think about it: How many times this week have you gotten random friend requests on Facebook from people you, really, don’t know? My guess is a lot! Sometimes people rarely, or don’t at all, know the people they are friending (which can be dangerous, in and of itself)! This simply falls back to relying too much on others for your happiness. And perhaps the person you are comparing yourself with on Facebook has more friends than you, but that does not mean they are more likeable than you! I would even argue that all of those people they “know” are simply acquaintances or friends of friends and not actual deep-connected relationships.

Reflect on those friendships and relationships you truly treasure and respect and focus on those, as having a handful of close, personal friendships and relationships will mean much more than a million acquaintances who barely (if at all) know you! In this respect, quality over quantity, for sure!

For some reason, going on Facebook makes me feel less like I am less socially connected, even though I am constantly in touch with other people on it. What gives?

Ah, this is not the first time I have heard this! And I have experienced this myself, especially when text messaging on our phones became more popular. The issue is typically we are so instantly connected we don’t feel we have much to talk about so we don’t try to when we have the opportunity to talk with each other. Think about it: If I know what you had to do at work today, what you ate, where you went over the weekend from your pictures, and who you plan on seeing tonight, why would I have motivation to call you and chat? Nowadays our “instant gratification” society has plugged in to the social media and we are now overloaded with so much information about each other we feel no need to do things the “old fashioned way” and actually talk to each other! How many times have you dreaded calling someone because you’d rather just text?

While this faster communication can be helpful, it can also do damage to our social skills if we’re not careful. We will, if given the opportunity and some would argue we are beginning to go this way, forget how to properly talk to people and keep connected to those that are more important to us. Maybe our grandparents are right in their thought that things were much easier without all of this “technology stuff.”

My friend is always posting pictures of her and her husband having a great time on vacation, playing with the kids, or going out for date nights, though I know from talking to her she is very unhappy with her life. Why is it that people only seem to see the good, but we never know what is really going on?

Social media allows us to portray whatever it is we want others to see. So “hiding” behind the social media mask, per se, lets us filter what we want others to believe of us. Perhaps to avoid that communication, the endless questions from others or our own feelings of the issues truly happening. Cyber bullying is a great (though unfortunate) testimony to this phenomenon: so many people are bashing others anonymously thanks to the privacy most social media forums provide. Just another mask to hide behind!

I also believe this “hiding” behind various social media types goes back to the point I made earlier with people not wanting to put in the effort to truly communicate or make their relationships quality-filled instead of quantity-filled. It’s so much work! The thing is, it has always been “so much work” to keep our intimate relationships going since the dawn of time, but now in our age of “instant gratification” and being able to mold our lives into the ideal setting by filtering what we share, we have fooled ourselves into thinking that because something isn’t instantly better/happier/doesn’t look-exactly-like-I-saw-it-on-Pinterest/etc., it’s either too much effort, was doomed from the beginning or that we failed somehow.

We have always been social creatures and always will be, but when we try to replace our natural desire to belong, communicate, fit in, etc. with electronics or “fake connections,” we begin to wonder why something that was advertised as supposing to make us feel real and connected, well, doesn’t. It is because it can’t replace good, old fashioned communication! So put down the Smart Phone, tablet, computer – whatever gadget they came out with today – and use your words, your smile and your eye contact to communicate! Nothing will ever take the place of real face-to-face connections. Use technology to help you get to those real life connections, don’t let it replace them.

For more information on this topic see the following recent study done by Stanford University: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/01/the_antisocial_network.html

Jessica VerBout is a licensed individual, couples and family therapist at Solutions Counseling in St. Michael and St. Louis Park. She believes that we are who we are today from the experiences, situations, and people we have gone through or come in contact with throughout our lives.  Using knowledge from these experiences, coupled with the new experiences and strengths we already possess (or will learn), healing and growth is possible. Jessica holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Child Development with minors in English and Japanese and has her Masters of Arts degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and the Minnesota Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (MAMFT). She is also working toward certification with the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). Jessica is a Certified Prepare and Enrich Counselor focusing on pre-marital, co-habitating and marital relationships. She has experience with sexuality concerns (i.e., dysfunctions, addictions, pedophilia, etc.), depression, anxiety disorders and severe and persistent mental illnesses.